Itchy Soul

As I sit here typing I am listening to Mac Miller’s “new” 2020 album, more specifically, the song “Good News” and thinking “Damn, why did he have to die so young?”. Drug addiction is a bitch my friends….a bitch, but I digress. If you all have been following me long enough you know that I post very sporadically and have a difficult time being consistent with the blog. So, HERE I AM!

Yesterday was Saturday so I had plenty of time to think and reflect on my life…which I haven’t been doing too much of lately (I started lifting four days a week and then last weekend I was in Cleaning/Take Care of Shit Mode so I didn’t have too much time to think).

I guess the thoughts started because I took my S.O. to the ER Friday morning (he’s okay now just some crazy passing out stuff) and it SCARED me. I used to think about death quite frequently and how my time on earth is limited but it’s been awhile and Friday morning was a literal and figurative wake up call.

Later that day I was sitting in the bathtub, reflecting, because that’s where I spend a lot of my time off (ha, ha, ha) and I got out and walked into the living room and said, “Can we just get married tomorrow?”. All the bad thoughts my anxious mind ever made up about losing my S.O. became a possible reality that morning and all I wanted was to start our married life together ASAP. Of course we didn’t get married, it was Saturday the court house wasn’t open anyways, and I was being irrational.

My thoughts continued late into the night and there is one quote that I kept coming back to: “Create the life you want to live”. What life do I even want?

Sometimes I get this uncomfortable, almost itchy soul kind of feeling (like a little kid squirming in class) when I’m looking at illustrations on Pinterest or reading something and I’m just like, “I want that! I want the feeling this gives me!”. What does that feeling even mean? Is that inspiration? Envy? Should I do the things that make my “soul itchy”? Sometimes I sit down and try to draw but then I start feeling like I’m forcing myself to do something and it’s not out of pure enjoyment. The last time I drew something just for the fun of it and without criticizing myself was probably middle school.

My life, so far, has been organically cultivated into what I had dreamed of when I was much younger. How in the world did that happen without me forcing it? Without me actively cultivating my current existence. Have I been subconsciously creating this life the whole time unbeknownst to me? Others would suggest that there is a Higher Power that controls it all. I really don’t have the answer to my own questions but I didn’t expect to have them anyways.

So, that is what I’ve been contemplating lately. I feel very satisfied creating/writing, for myself and for you all. I scratched one part of my “itchy soul” tonight. So thanks,

❤ Rachael

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