It all seems hopeless; sometimes.

Last night the shadow of “blah” overtook me and that is the only way to describe it: a shadow. I can always feel it coming on, slowly, starting at my feet and casting shade on my being. But for me, and many other women, this shadow only comes once a month and wreaks havoc on your mental health.

I have not been diagnosed with PMDD (pre-menstrual dysphoric disorder) but if anything I will just call it the worst “mental” case of PMS (pre-menstrual syndrome). Even writing about this brings me some discomfort. Memories of people saying, “you’re just hormonal” or “are you going to get your period?” makes my skin crawl because unhappiness, anger, irritation, or any emotion that is not happy gets you (as a woman) labeled as “crazy” or “PMS-ing” and with that comes jokes and sarcasm but it is not a joke to me. I did not choose to be born female and be able to conceive children so don’t make fun of me for what I cannot control (not that anyone is I am just saying in general).

So, the shadow of doubt, irritation, unhappiness, anxiety, and hopelessness was cast and I did my best to fight it. I started taking SAMe (S-Adenosyl methionine), which is found naturally in the body and can be taken as a dietary supplement to help with depression, I made sure to eat enough food, I took a nap when I was tired, I took care of myself, and it just did not seem to matter I started to feel bad anyways.

My significant other and I go to volleyball every Wednesday night and I made myself go and interact with other people because it usually helps to get out and do something. At first it was alright and then I was getting frustrated with myself for playing poorly and it just all went downhill from there. I always question what I am doing with my life, what’s the point, what’s the purpose? When I get in that frame of mind I just feel so helpless and hopeless…but thank God for significant others or other people in your life that love you because sometimes all you need is someone to talk to who can rationalize your thoughts.

I sat around rationalizing my thoughts about what I was thinking and feeling and I knew my thoughts were false but there’s something about getting another person’s perspective that helps bring you back to reality. And sometimes you just have to fucking cry and cry and then life feels better (letting the feelings happen and not pushing them down).

But this is not a cry for help from me because I’ve got enough support, it is just a post that explains what’s going on with me and make other people not feel alone. As always, thanks for reading,

Xoxo Rachael Lynn

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