Hello 2019!

I cannot even begin to understand what is going on inside my brain. I can’t decide if I’m dysfunctional because my boss at work is dysfunctional or because I am like my mother or if I am just completely losing my shit.

I’ve been anxious and depressed on and off for the past two days. I’m scared and then I feel like a failure for being scared and then I beat myself up about it and look at my kitchen counter and think that it’s dirty and I’ve failed a that too.

What is wrong with me? I just want to have a clear cut answer…is that too much to ask? Apparently because there’s at least a million other women like me walking around their house anxious, angry, depressed, and then guilty for no apparent reason.

Do you know that I am reading two self-help books at once? Two; And I want to read another one because then maybe I can learn how to love myself. Sometimes I think maybe I am trying too hard because I look at my boyfriend and he is perfectly content with a day off and I am over here in crisis mode because I need to quit my job, I don’t feel fulfilled, I think I’m fat, and dammit I can’t keep my clothes picked up and I honestly don’t care.

It is January 1st people…I am not doing this today. I refuse to sit in my bed crying and feeling like a piece of shit because I can’t stop crying and not feel anxious about going to work tomorrow and having nothing to do because THERE IS NOTHING TO DO.

I will say this…it feels good to write again on my blog and it feels like I’m finally writing in my own voice. Maybe I will quit reading my self-help books and leave my life be. What do you all think? Write in the comments below. As always,

Xoxo Rachael

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