Ah, I have not written a blog post in quite awhile and I apologize to the blogging community and my followers. The past couple of weeks have been full of a lot of things and I needed to get my brain and my priorities in line so I put writing to the wayside.
Recently we have moved to a place in town, as opposed to far out of town, and my job in the mental health world has been an emotional roller coaster ride. And when my emotions are all over the place that means I usually want to drink alcohol so I can feel better and gain some control-which is actually the opposite of what alcohol does…it makes you lose even more control.
Seeing that I was so close to my one year of sobriety mark I got scared I was going to drink again so I went back to “the rooms” and got some very good advice from an older man in the program. I found that I was not working my program of recovery to the best of by ability and that I really needed to take a look at my thought life and spiritual life. So, I have been working my program and doing my best to let go of the things I cannot control, like work and the people I work with, as well as getting my wild thoughts under control (not an easy task).
I did make it to my one year of sobriety on September 22nd and let me tell you it was a very interesting and special day for me.
I woke up and then didn’t even realize it was one year until I was waiting in line for coffee and heard the date on the radio. I was like “WHAAAA I MADE IT?!” and then I could not get the stupid grin off my face.
The stupid grin came off my face quickly when I went to pick up a client, who had been working on getting sober (a life or death situation for them) for a little over a month, and they smelled like beer, were clearly intoxicated and admitted they had drank the night before and this morning.
How absolutely IRONIC, that my one year sobriety date and my clients relapse happen on the exact same day-ish. Every time I work with this person I see myself, I see the anxiety and depression that causes me to be selfish and hurt other people, I see the impatience, and the term this person used several times throughout the day, “Just fuck it all” mentality.
When someone is in this state of mind it is completely heartbreaking…yeah you can be angry at someone who has relapsed because you have all the answers to why they failed and you can see their selfishness and self-pity but honestly, when you are in that state of mind, you can’t see a way out.
By the end of the day I ended up taking the client home from an AA meeting they no longer wanted to be at (half way through). I chose to be quiet and listen because talking to someone while they are intoxicated about their drinking is a losing battle. I was sad, so sad that there was no way I could help this individual because I know from experience that you can’t help someone unless they are willing to do the work and want sobriety bad enough. Today I am grateful that I was willing to change and put in the work and I am grateful to “the rooms” and those who are in them that continue to help those of us who can’t stop abusing substances.
To those of you, you know who you are, who helped me along my sobriety journey for the first year, thank you, thank you, thank you, and you have a very special place in my heart.
As always, thanks for reading,