I apologize to all my followers who wait for Thursdays for a post and then it doesn’t happen! We’re all human and humans rarely follow a schedule (especially this one). Anyways, today is Sunday and you know what that means? It’s my day off and a day that gives me a little extra time to think about things…wonderful (said in the most sarcastic voice I can think of: Karen from “Will and Grace”).
For the past few days my Facebook feed has been blowing up with pictures of happy smiling couples on their wedding day or pictures of people’s babies or announcements about couples being pregnant. Let me say, first and foremost, I am so happy for all of you and I wish you all the best of luck on your new journey and then second, I am jealous. I never thought I would be the girl who looks longingly at other people’s wedding photos and thinks, “Oh man, I wish that was me” and then become filled with envy but this morning I was.
It isn’t so much that I envy the marriage itself, it’s the wedding, the celebration and the opportunity to look your most beautiful you ever will be in your whole entire life (or so says the media, wedding magazines, movies, and books). For myself, I have never really felt like one of those truly beautiful people. You know, the ones in high school who everyone loved, and they had guy friends, and they were naturally skinny and athletic and beautiful. The ones who currently have 100 or more people like their status on Facebook? I always felt like I took up too much space and people thought I was weird or too religious or a prude or whatever. The wedding itself gives you the chance to feel like you’re on top for just one day, just one. I have never even thought about weddings like this until social media.
I have taken myself on and off of Facebook countless times and each time I get back on I ask myself, “why?”. I guess a better question might be, “Rachael why can’t you just be happy for people you selfish a**hole?” Well, I don’t know why, but maybe I can work on it…eventually…because there is a long list of things I am trying to work on.
It isn’t just social media that makes me feel this way though, it is also pressure from society, friends and family to enter into marriage. I am currently living “out-of-wedlock” with my significant other in a state very far away from my family and friends. And I am very aware that some people in my life wished we were married or want us to get married soon. They have their reasons for this and their opinion does matter and is not taken lightly, however, jumping into a marriage soon after you have started dating should not be taken lightly either. I honestly don’t feel like being married would change the way my significant other and myself treat or feel about each other. Still, there is so much pressure from society to be like everyone else…get married, have kids, “oh you don’t want kids? Oh you will someday! Just maybe not today…but you will”. What if I really don’t? Am I selfish? What if I don’t get married and have a big wedding or a wedding at all? Do I look like I’m just getting strung along and my significant other just won’t commit? All of these questions and more questions, people asking if I’m married, am I going to get married, etc. It’s all very overwhelming and today it really got the best of me. Sometimes I just want to get married to get it over with so I can make other people happy. So I can stop worrying about what others think about my lifestyle choice and feel like everyone else.
Society and social media got the best of me today…my anxiety ruled over me once again. I like to think that I came out on top though, because I was able to gain insight into my “people pleasing” nature and realize how much I really let it affect my decisions in life. If I have learned anything from living in Alaska so far it is this: there are many different types of people in the world and there is no one “right way” to live your life. That is all I have for today, as always, thanks for reading!