Lost and Confused

I’ve been going back and forth today between confused, irritated, confused, tired, hyper and lost. These days of my life are obnoxious but as I sit here and reflect I realize that they come with my choice of lifestyle.

I do not know if it because of my anxiety or not but I absolutely love quitting things! Which I only recently openly admitted to a co-worker I had just met the other day because I could sense he loved quitting too. There is something so very lovely and relieving about having all your responsibilities dropped and out of your life and out of your consciousness. But the kicker is, I like being responsible, having a job doing something I think matter, so then I just end up picking up a different set of responsibilities.

So, throughout my time on the earth, my lifestyle choice has been work, quit, move, work, quit, move, work, quit, and move. And with each work, quit, and move there follows: like work, despise work, find it not challenging, quit, feel relieved, hope for much better, and move, feel very lost and confused, get a new job, learn new things, feel very lost and confused from the move and then you hit a wall of days on end of confusion and wondering, “what is my purpose here?”

This is where I am currently in my life, “what is my purpose here?” and “why is everyone and everything so weird and different I don’t like this” and yet this is what I crave in life: new experiences. And although I afford myself new experiences they are often experienced at a cost. Usually to my mental health and those people around me.

Today I have been walking around aimlessly or sitting down and staring into space and unable to grab a thought to hold onto. Do you ever have those days where you are just paralyzed by choices and you would much rather go to sleep? I could read a book, look on my phone, start my homework early or clean up some….but… “I’m afraid to read my book because sometimes I take on the feelings of the character and I already feel a little weird, and I don’t want to look on my phone because everybody is judging millennials and their phone use and I also don’t want to use my phone too much, and I should do my homework for this week right now but man it’s my day off and cleaning…meh”. And this hamster wheel goes around in my head and doesn’t stop until I finally give up and hope maybe my brain will be better in the morning and I walk upstairs to bed at 8:00pm.

Lucky for me my significant other came upstairs to check on me and make sure I was okay. I don’t know why but just having someone who cares come find you made me want to get out of bed and try to take make a decision, to try and clear the fog I’m in and feel less lost.

Here I am sitting up in our new bed that took a bit to get used to, listening to my Pandora jazz station (which is my go-to) and writing for myself and for you all. Thank God for writing, because without it I am completely and utterly lost.

If you ever find yourself in this kind of head space, I have only one piece of advice, go out and do what you love. Get lost in it. And if you can’t go out and do what you love…go out and help someone else or call a friend who may need to hear from you.

As always, thank you for reading

❤ Rachael

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